Along came a stamp collector called Ralph P Sobek or soborobo to use his eBay alias. I find Ralph so shameless with his pursual of a few pence it's funny in a sad kind of way. I thought I'd share it.

Here's our correspondance.

> From:
> Sent: 20 February 2004 16:03
> To: kimbal
> Subject: Question for seller -- Item #3387066429
>
> Hi,
>
> I already asked you once, but received no answer.
>
> What girls are the Bikini Bandits? Do they have BIG breasts? Names
> please?
>
> Cheers,
>
> --soborobo
> --------------------
>
>
> Question from: soborobo
> Title of item: Bikini Bandits Freeze Mother Fu***rs! DVD
> Seller: mypole2002
> Starts: Feb-15-04 07:38:36 PST
> Ends: Feb-22-04 07:38:36 PST
> Price: Starts at GBP 0.01
> To view the item, go to:
> http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3387066429

From: "kimbal"
To: <sobek@
Sent: Friday, February 20, 2004 5:40 PM
Subject: RE: Question for seller -- Item #3387066429

> Hi
>
> I did reply, but here you go again.
>
> Heather-Victoria Ray, Barbara Dimateo, Corrine Thompson, Nyla Hodge,
> Betty San Luis, Heather McDonnell,
>
> They're all hotties with huge breasts.
>
> Cheers
>
> Kimbal

Hi,

Thanks a lot! I just found your first e-mail in my SPAM-bucket. Normally eBay e-mail is excluded from that.

--soborobo

From: Ralph P. Sobek
Sent: 28 February 2004 16:24
To: kimbal
Subject: Re: Question for seller -- Item #3387066429

Hello Kimbal,

Your packet arrived prety safely. I have not yet viewed the DVD.

I am curious as to your bill to me! I paid for postage of 2.50 GBP whereas the packet had only 1.12 GBP!! The envelope may have cost 0.10, but I still believe this to be overcharged! Remember that you are liable for eBay fees and are not allowed to transfer them to customers.

I would appreciate a partial refund on the postage. To do this go to your PayPal page and call up the History button. Then click on the details of our transaction. At the bottom you will find a refund link.

Best regards,

--Ralph (soborobo)

Hello Ralph

I'm glad your DVD arrived safely.

The charge of £2.50 for postage and packing was an estimation on my part, it is a small amount of money that I know will cover my costs. It's declared in advance so you had the choice of not bidding on the auction. The difference in price here is merely pence, which I don't consider to be worth getting a price for. I consider prior to an auction, taking a packet to a Post Office, standing in line for weighing a packet to obtain a price, to be a waste of not only my time but also the Post Office staff's time.

You devalued the packaging in your email, £0.10 for a jiffy bag. The packaging I use is brand new and of high quality. I use plastic jiffy bags, which are more expensive than the paper ones, I use document enclosed labels, senders address labels and I print out the address so it is clear and exactly as you present it.

£1.12 for the postage
£0.80 for the jiffy bag. I use plastic ones not the cheap paper ones.
(not sure of cost) Documents enclosed label.
(not sure of cost) Return address label.
(not sure of cost) Paper and printer ink.
(not sure of cost) My time packing it.
(not sure of cost) My time for leaving the office to post it.
(not sure of cost) The wear from the bottom of my shoes.

I'm new to eBay and have searched their help section for guidance; I can't find anything that suggests postage costs must be spot on accurate.

Your accusation that I was trying to transfer eBay listing fees is unfounded. It never entered my mind; after all it is only £0.15.

After all you did buy a new product for less than the market value, which I promptly sent to you and the postage costs were clearly marked in advance, I fail to see your problem.

Please come back to me if still feel you're getting a bad deal.

Regards

Kimbal

Thats that then. No it's not just as I had forgotten all about Ralph he emails me again.

Hi Kimbal,

Now that I've looked at the DVD, I must state that your

comments below are false. Only one of the girls had reasonably large

breasts, not huge breasts. Furthemore, I do not understand why all of

this IS a DVD. There are a few episodes and they are ALL short, the

average being 5 minutes. Only the comments concerning the making of

Bikini Bandits was of reasonable length. It was way too short for the

price!

So, if you do not mind (and you shouldnt since you forgot to

mention the length on the eBay advert.) I would like to return you the

DVD, in order to get my £11.50, which you can reimburse using PayPal

return mechanism.

Cheers for the weekend,

--Ralph (soborobo)

----- Original Message -----

From: Kimbal

To: 'Ralph SOBEK'

Sent: Friday, March 19, 2004 8:59 PM

Subject: RE: Question for seller -- Item #3387066429

Hi Ralph

My comments below are not false. It is of my opinion that they are hotties with huge breasts. If you specifically wanted ludicrous breasts like Lola Ferrari or Jordan you should have been more specific with your questions. I also provided you with the names of the actresses; a quick google or visit to www.bikinibandits.com would have perhaps been prudent if you are to be so anal about the size of their breasts.

If you do not understand why it is a DVD I suggest you take it up with the manufacturers. However quoting the details I originally advertised "these short films have quickly elevated to cult-favorite status", seems to summarise that it is a DVD comprised of short films.

As for your definition of a few episodes, to me a few means 3. I count 5 episodes, the same 5 episodes that are described in my original advertisement.

If you feel it was too short for the price you should have done your research more thoroughly. I described the item with the description from the back of the DVD, which seems sensible to me.

Yes I do mind and I will not refund you. I find your attitude bizarre. You buy a brand new product for the mere sum of £9 (less than market value) keep it for nearly a month then ask for a refund on the weak basis of the size of their breasts and the length of the DVD.

You falsely accuse that I forgot to mention the length; I do not know the length. I have just checked the DVD in my personal collection (which I am more than happy with) and the time isn't mentioned anywhere on it.

Please don't bid on any of my auctions again.

Regards

Kimbal

From: Ralph P. Sobek [mailto:
Sent: 19 March 2004 22:47
To: Kimbal
Subject: Re: Question for seller -- Item #3387066429

Hello Kimbal,

iI did not think that this would irk you! nevertheless, my major

complaint is that ALL is way too short. I have only viewed the DVD once!

Top run movies can be had for 10 Euros or so. Bizarre art school output,

which this resembles, should be available at half that price! 5 episodes

where I give them 5 minutes each, and here I think that that is generous!

If you don't know the length, you must have noticed that it is bizarrely

short compared to NORMAL DVDs! By stating that you did not know the length,

even abstractly, is considered legally as a hidden fault. As such, I think

that 5 GBP is a generous price for this! 9 is gouging innocent people.

Maybe you would offer a partial refund, since PayPal does accept that.

Concerning the month, I did not have this DVD over 2 weeks! I was too busy

to reply earlier.... In all cases,

Sincerely,

--soborobo

Hello Ralph

What top run movies can be purchased for and your opinion of its genre are irrelevant.

This DVD retails for $20 in the US and it retails for £15.99 in the UK, so I'm intrigued as to how you feel your opinion that it is worth only £5 has any value.

The nature of eBay provides the opportunity for people to get goods at bargain prices also for sellers to sell things at more than there value, not that it's relevant in this case as you bought it for less than its market value.

I list my auctions with no reserve. I presume you think I should follow your example and harass bidders who won auctions for less than market value for further payment. Will you send me £6.99 to make up its retail value?

Personally I prefer to take the approach that you win some you lose some, rather than engaging in some pathetic tit tat argument over a small amount of money. After all you bought, for a price of your own decision, a DVD which was advertised as a Bikini Bandits DVD and you received a Bikini Bandits DVD sounds straight forward to me.

The DVD was advertised as a collection of short films and it gave a brief description of each, so it is blatantly clear how many short films to expect. What were you expecting? Laurence of Arabia

As for 2 weeks, I have an email which you sent me on 28th of February stating that you had received the package you then email me on 19th March to request a refund after you had watched the DVD. You clearly had the DVD for a period of 20 days not less than 2 weeks as you falsely claim. I am thinking that you will say anything to achieve getting an unfair refund, I find your accusation of “gouging innocent people” particularly creative.

So to conclude no you can't have a partial refund.

Regards

Kimbal

Hi Kimbal,

It is really hard to find this DVD in the States! Google did not come up with much. And the Bikini Bandits site does not even mention it! The closest that comes to it is "The Bikini Bandits Experience." Which is 54 minutes!

Here are some related reviews:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000AZVH6/026-2617051-1626018

This review of "Freeze Mother ****ers!", states that it is "barely 50 minutes!" which I find surprising.

http://www.counterculture.co.uk/dvd-review/the-bikini-bandits-experience.html

states that "The Bikini Bandits Experience" which contains 2 DVDs, and "consequently this 50 minute feature is 40 minutes too long."

http://www.girlswithguns.org/short/short0116.htm

This is review of "Freeze , Motherfu***rs!" states that "a number of extremely loosely-connected 'sequels', also on this DVD, as well as a 50-minute feature, "The Bikini Bandits Experience".

This I find confusing because I found no 50 min. segment of anything!
Did you?

Also it seems that the double DVD:
Disc One: 50 mins of extras.
Disc Two: All seven episodes of 'Freeze Motherf**kers', retails for
£15.99 !

Other sites state that both DVDs have a totasl of 54 minutes!

What drippy stuff all this is...

--Ralph

Hi Ralph

Why are you telling me all this? I have no interest on clicking those reviews as I have already watched the DVD and have made up my own mind.

It's simple you saw an item on eBay, then bidded for it and bought it. You then tried on several occasions, by using piss poor accusations, to harass insignificant amounts money out of me. I said no, end of story.

However if the following helps you with your confusion, then rah for you.

The length of the Bikini Bandits Experience DVD is irrelevant as it is a different title.

If you have any query about the length stated by the reviewers, take it up with the reviewers.

I have the same disc as you so it will be the same as yours.

I vaguely recollect that the UK version has 2 discs.

Regards

Kimbal

Hi Kimbal,

It's short. On the title of the time travel sketch there are
6 times, but these are overly generous if they were for the DVD.

I looked at it again.. and let's leave it at that... on reasonable terms.

Cheers,

--Ralph

I don't consider myself to be tight or out to rip anyone off but I beleive Ralph is taking the piss here which is why I'm not refunding him any money. If people don't try and take the piss I will help them out. For example, when I auctioned the DVD I also auctioned The Topless Academy Guide to Topless Bartending. This guy in Jersey bought it and by error I sent him a Bikini Bandits DVD. He emailed to let me know and I apologised sent him out the correct DVD and told him he could keep the extra one.

I emailed www.b3ta.com to see if they wanted to make Ralph famous, guess what? They did.

>> Mad eBay transcript <<
"I've met this guy called Ralph", writes Kimbal,
"Do you think he deserves a bit of fame?" Oh yes.
He's obviously a complete nutter. Thank God
we're too lazy to ever auction our unwanted
crap on eBay - it's clearly full of freaks.
http://www.mypole.co.uk/ralph.htm

Im going fishing for another Ralph style nutter, yes I'm eBaying another Bikini Bandits DVD.

I'm also eBaying some G Mart T shirts based on the Bikini Bandits, XL Mens, L Mens and Ladies. Not being one to let it lie I emailed Ralph to see if he wants to bid on a shirt to go with his DVD. Then he only went and left me positive feedback, well sort of.

Hello Ralph

I'm selling some Bikini Bandits T shirts on eBay. I'm letting you know as I thought they may interest you as the DVD was such a hit with you.

X Large mens
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=
3905970171&category=53054&sspagename=STRK%3AMESSE%3AIT&rd=1

Large mens
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=
3905970281&category=15687&sspagename=STRK%3AMESSE%3AIT&rd=1

Medium ladies
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=
4141207328&category=58476&sspagename=STRK%3AMESSE%3AIT&rd=1

If they interest you please observe the postage costs and the product descriptions prior to bidding, we don't want any confusion now do we?

Happy bidding.

Regards

Kimbal

Your Comments

Well I asked for your comments about Ralph but I didn't expect so many. They're all a bit one sided, read for your self.

Vinnie

I reckon he was having a wind up. If he wasn't then he is even sadder than me for sending you this e-mail!

Kimbal

Look at his home page and see if you still think so http://www.irit.fr/~Ralph.Sobek/

Vinnie

Christ! I wish I'd disabled cookies before I looked at it, can he track me down?

I'm frightened.

Kimbal

You’re his puppy now

Vinnie

I can imagine him paying $500 for a plane ticket to claim his 15 pence back from you in person.

How big are Ralph's balls? I thought they were just really big but bloody hell he really has got one huge pair of balls on him.

Does this mean I can have a refund?

Cheers

Jake

caught me out - Ive just bought Bikini Bandits....

I was a little disappointed with the breast sizes as well - think I may complain...... better ask Ralph for some advice

Fantastic! One of the funniest things I've read on the 'net.

I really feel for you having to deal with nutters like that. Its enough to make you want to buy an island in the Caribean,build a secret base under neath its volcano and take over the world.

Hi Kimbal,

As a user of eBay myself, I have recently had a few problems myself, what with non paying / late paying customers and people not even being polite enough to let me know their item has arrived, or to leave feedback.

However this guy tops all that hands down, how he had the front to ask for a refund for what was a perfectly described DVD is baffling, especially given the "you pay your money, you take your chance" nature of eBay.

That made for some very entertaining reading.

All the best

Colin.

That guy is crazy!

Hope You put the guy on Your Block Bidder list. Unbelievable Did He Neg feedback You? Have a great weekend Rick

Hi, I was just reading the e-mails that the Ralph guy had sent you! How entirely unfair?! He sounds like a con rather than a customer!!! YAY for not doing anything and BOO to him making a fuss over what sounds like some mild, erm, lady boobs!
xx b

Hi Kymbal!
Just had to respond. You have made my day! What started off as a routinely stressful end to the week was lightened by your correspondence with the Ebay nutter found via B3TA newsletter.

I DO realise this must have really tried your patience to the limit but I found it hysterically funny. As an ebayer of some three years standing [not a lot bought over it but getting there ] I had dreaded this happening to me and getting some a*****hole complaining about the quality of my jiffy bags or quibbling over the clearly stated P&P price, condition and details of something sold or bought and the 15p difference.
It is truly one of the funniest exchanges I have read and despite the fact you were clearly getting increasingly p***ed off with him .....he continued to mail you! UNBELIEVABLE! I was tempted at one point to try to believe you had made him up but upon due refection I guess this guy really exists.Sad, sad, sad.........

Liked the website too and am enjoying the pole dancing 'hot or not' section. Most excellent! Although I am now convinced these are all taking place in your own living room. Not sure whether to die of envy or send you loads of complaining emails quibbling over the description and questioning whether certain items clearly indicate that it is the domestic situation rather than the implied Pole Dancing Club and then keep on emailing you complaining about the lack of same and drone endlessly on and on and on and on,...............
More power to ya!

Cheers!

Andy

Kimbal

Hi

Most are in my living room.

He is all too real http://www.irit.fr/~Ralph.Sobek/ dare you to delve into his family pics

I find him hilarious too in a strange sort of I still don’t believe it sort of way

Andy

I delved! .....and now I am starting to get frightened!!!!!
World Terrorism Alert.?!! Pay service?!
Anyone putting a site out there with sections headed What's Wrong With the World and International Robotics conferences notes who spells out ADSL is getting too out there for my tastes and I don't think I'll trouble him again.......especially as I am far too busy ordering several dancing poles for my greenhouse..........!!!

bests
Andy

I buy and sell on eBay - a LOT!

Personally, I think you were patience personified. Maybe it comes with a lot of eBay experience, but I would have just told him to fuck off :)


Best regards.


Doc.


(Did they really have huge tits?)

God, I love the UK!! You guys are so polite and well-spoken…Whenever an Ebay dispute goes down here (in the US), people come out swinging and cursing like a bunch of ignorant apes. Thanks for sharing this very amusing tale….

God save the queen and all that crap…

Kisses…

Elizabeth

Long Beach, California

ralphs a nut !

Hey:

WOW! Just had to say amazing grace under pressure. I work in customer service, and, again, just wow, I will take my biggest nutter over this bloke any day.

Cheers,
Amanda

lol, thats one fucked up eBuyer, well writen emails.
i will show this to everyone i know as its the funniest thing ever :P

thanks for the laugh, paul (fellow eBayer)

After reading the correspondence, I think Fuck Off , You Tight Asshole (as we say in the US), would have been an entirely appropriate response to soborobo.

Caveat Emptor is another response, but he would somehow find reason to argue with that, eh?

You were entirely too polite with the tedious fool. Were you raised Church of England? In that case there is always "Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole."

Can you imagine being this guy's parents, living with the guy, or (gasp) being his girlfriend (if he even has one?)

I bet he is an attorney at law or other impaired moral degenerate.

Your friend
FuzzbearTom
Atlanta, Georgia USA

you have infinite patience. your responses to ralph were well put. i admire your restraint in not suggesting he join a lonely hearts club and/or drop dead.

mar from redondo beach, CA.

Ralph needs a life! I've dealt with this kind of person myself, but,
they were sellers.

Spot on mate. The guy's obviously a loony.

Giles.

Hi mate,

I read your not-so-short story on a website with regard to some poor sod on an auction on eBay concerning a DVD with Bikini babes with ‘huge breasts’. And all I can say is: Woo Yay to you sir! Excellent replies to the daft bugger trying to get a few pence off of you.

Cheerz

Peter (Holland)

That is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. Thank you so much for putting that online, it has brightened up my otherwise slightly dull Saturday afternoon.

Thank you,

Adam

I think you showed great patience regarding these mailings. My congrats to you for showing such self control.
Reading all this was quite amazing and hilarious for that matter. It will always confound one at the lengths to which some people will go for such triviality. I haven't used ebay yet, but now! Who knows!
Kindest Regards from New Orleans, Louisiana, U.S.A
B.M.O.

Hi Kimbal,
I don't think I was born with a tolerance of idiots gene, my response to soborobo's first coming it mail of 28 February would have been "fuck off cuntwipe". But then, that's just me. :)

Cheers for the entertainment. :)

Aaron

Keep the faith and let it go.......

How sad is he

Paul H

Give him his money back

Opinions are like aarseholes everyones got one
Clint Eastwood

Hi,
I am so sick of dealing with nutters on ebay, Do these people not realise we have better things to do with our time?? I sell quite a lot of stuff but it is not my full time bloody career! Giving people 20p postage refunds really hacks me off, I do include jiffy bags and waiting in line at the post office in my p+p, but people wait for their parcels and are overjoyed when they think I'm trying to rip them off and can't wait to email me demanding refunds. I think I am a relatively normal person and I wouldn't behave in that manner, unfortunately you had dealings with a real fruit loop, just block him so he can't bid on any more of your stuff. Sorry about the rant, but these ebaying freaks really do my head in!!!!
Cheers

Hahahaha... i just got this link through B3ta. I live in the states also... Anyway, I read your emails back and forth out of bordem, and I thought they were very ammusing. Some people think they have all the rights to everything. I just thought I would say that your intelligence and humor brightened up my morning. Very Funny Stuff. Take care. :)

-Jilliann

hey kimbal,

im just a random reader of your argument with ralph and i gotta hand it to you, you've got ALOT of patience! I cudnt understand how over the whole argument the only word that remotely sounded like cursing was "piss", i can assure you that if i were in your shoes i wud hav given my point across in a much more harsh manner! Well done, ur an example to all.

Regards
Joel (Trix)

He's wrong, you are right. You stated your postal thingys clearly, and he was not forced to bid on the item, he did. I do the same with postage as you do. It was stated clearly, if he did not like it, he should not have bid on the item.

The goods are working and as described.

If he was not happy with the lack of a comprehensive description he should not have bid on the item.

Caveat Emptor - Though in this case not even particularly relevant since you've sold it to him in good faith and he's crying over a few pennys. He must have a lot of time on his hands :)

So far in selling stuff myself I've been fairly lucky, just a few non paying bidders.

I had one friend who sold a working DVD and got left negative feedback because the punter did not believe the sound quality was good enough on the DVD!! (It was working fine he just was not happy by the encoding done by the DVD publisher.....)

--
Percy Cuscaden

Hi Kimbal

Read about your saga with the apparently simple minded Ralph.

I thought you were quite polite in your answers with somebody who obviously struggles with the concepts of basic commerce. I am not sure whether I could have lasted so long without losing my normally controlled temper.

Just one question – has he given you a bad seller rating at ebay? If so then I think he is somewhat of a cheeky get!

Keep battling against buffoons like this!

Regards

Andy Wells

Just came across your little saga (sorry for the crap joke, it wasn't
intended) and am once more amazed at the small mindedness of some nutters, we should be used to it in this day and age but clearly not.

Hope all is still well in your neck of the woods

Inky

Brilliant…………………..-)

Shit, I would pay $20 just to have fun emailing that nutter, but what do you expect from a stamp collector. -)

I’m sure he lives with his 80 year old mother and was actually just trying to get some of his money back for his “I’m saving for my own house” fund.

-Ross

I would like to post http://www.mypole.co.uk/ralph.htm [My first eBay nutter] on my weblog with your permission.

Thanks,
Sean
http://robothell.com

Please could you send me a refund I have made a copy and no longer need yours… ahem…

This guy has lost the plot, how did you manage to attract him out of all the people who use eBay.. I reckon he was looking for a specific dvd and did a search for “Bikini” and possibly “Ar*e Bandits” which came up with the dvd you were selling, he thought he was in for a night of hardcore gay transsexual porn, poor man you have ruined his life… give him a refund. He didn’t want scantily clad big breasted ladys, he wanted big boys dressed up as erm… ladies?

No seriously, you did the right thing of blowing him off…. Erm not giving him a refund.

PB

My. my what a disturbed little individual!

Why on earth did you continue to e-mail him back???!

Far more patience with the little bum bandit than me!

Sincere regards,

Asiddburrn

Hi Kimbal,

Found your site from b3ta. What a laugh. It strikes me that this nutter was probably doing the old trick we all used to do when we were twelve - i.e.
buy a record from a shop, tape it, and then take it back saying 'I got this for my birthday but I've already got it' and get your money back. He's probably jacking off to a DivX of it right now.

Mark.

Hi Kimbal

I think you're great!!!

That Ralph is a toss pot!

Ange x

that guy was a wanker you should give his details out so we can all send him hatemail,
anyhow is that his real fotos, if so he looks a bit like a pedo

yours sincerly
hatefuel

Kimbal,

We sell a lot of computing stuff on Ebay and get nutters like this all the time. Usually along the lines of "I can buy a 15" TFT screen for £60 will you sell me yours for that?"

Best thing to do is call their bluff with a reply of "If you can get them for this price I will buy as many as you can supply". You don't usually get a reply after that.....

Saying that though, they're not usually as anal in their cost analysis as this loser.

Personally I would have promised him a refund, got him to send it back then just fucked him off....

John

alrite kimbal,

ralph is obviously a pene-arse with no mates so fuck him.

As a fellow ebayer you are also in the right, postage fees are non disputable
and whats more you're actually allowed to increase postage fees after the end
of an item's listing period!

that guys a cock, you're fucking awesome.

peace out,

Ell

Hi Kimbal,

I did notice in the ebay description that the item was never viewed...
"Condition: Never Viewed".
And then you claim to have seen it in your blog...
"Why are you telling me all this? I have no interest on clicking those reviews as I have already watched the DVD and have made up my own mind."

If it is indeed the very same copy then perhaps Ralph is due a refund since the item was incorrectly advertised? But don't tell him that ;-)

Great Site!

Stu.

Well, wow what a farce. the guy's an obvious cunt! Mind you like twat who signed himself Elizabeth is a blatant offence to the USA.
Your patience although admirable is not exclusive. I think we English have a patience for arse holes that is not challenged throughout the world (more fool us)!
Now I suppose you have already but PLEASE tell that piece of cat shit to go fuck his grandmother with a Pedigree denti stick. What a fucking dick. I personally like the description GIT! Kind of fitting I think! Keep up the good Work (abuse)

Regards


Robert Fleming
Avid Supporter

I love Ebay. It is like a congress of the greatest minds on Earth. Try selling vintage video games to these nerds and all kinds of BS comes flying out.

I love this shit and I love baiting nerds. Actually I love nerds.
Keep it up,

Dougie Deadlift
www.tyrannosaurusflex.com