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Tyke wrote 6 episodes of a spoof soap opera based
on a Shoreditch Strip Bar a year or 2 ago for the London strip message
board.
He has changed all the names to protect the guilty
of course but if anybody knows the bar it's horribly close to the truth.
Episode 1 - Recruitment
Episode 2 - Martin organises his alcohol supplies
Episode 3 - Martin decides to improve the bar
Episode 4 - The festive season
Episode 5 - Staff training
Episode 6 - Martin goes Corporate
Episode 7 - Slum Bar for sale
{ Taxi pulls up outside a gaudy looking bar with the name
" The Slum Bar" outlined in a tatty neon sign. A slim young
girl carrying a large bag emerges, pays the cabby and pushes through the
doors carefully avoiding cutting herself on the cracks in the armoured
glass.}
{ She walks inside and peers into the gloom. In the corner
she can just make out a half naked girl with an impressive collection
of tattoos shuffling around to the distorted sound of an old Wham track
" Wake me up before you ...crackle crackle ...dont ..crackle crackle
like a yoyo ". Her attention is attracted by a soundless, blurred,
TV projection screen on which she can just make out the pulsating excitement
of a Texan tractor pulling competition. There are only a dozen customers,
2 sat next to the stage, 1 large ginger haired man slumped with his nose
on a table , and 9 people at the bar waving various denominations of money
at a single barman who manages the difficult trick of combining apparent
frantic activity with an inability to ever actually serve anybody.}
The barman spots her and ignoring the customers motions
her over and says in a strong Irish accent " Would you be here for
an audition ".
Girl " Yes
Barman " I will just ring the boss , can you sit over
there " { motioning to a table behind the large red haired man who
is now sitting with his head thrown back snorting loudly }.
Customer at the bar " I was a young man before I came
here for a drink, any chance of one before I retire ". The Barman
shouts to the red haired man and he leaps into action saying " fugging
baasturd " takes the sarcastic customer in a head lock and then uses
his head to push through the swing doors throwing him onto the street.
The barmam Liam McGinty picks up the phone .
{ Cut to a sleazy looking office with a sign on the side
saying " Martin Davies Chief Executive Officer Whirlwind Entertainments
" , inside a small bespectacled man is sat behind a desk covered
in coffee stains surrounded by posters of naked musclemen and the Tom
Robinson band }
The phone rings and Martin reluctantly puts down his copy
of " Asian Boys".
" Liam here boss, the auditions arrived ".
Martin " Tell her to wait and I will be down ".
{ Martin walks down the stairs , the sound of the bar getting
louder " They had style ..crackle Rita Hayworth...crackle crackle
". He sees the girl in the corner and goes over to her passing the
bar where 1 man has just be served with a pint of lager promoting sarcastic
applause from the remaining 7 despite the baleful glare of the ginger
haired man }.
Martin " We don't bother with actual auditions anymore,
I find an in depth interview is enough . Where do you work now "
Girl " The London Dungeon "
Martin " Oh we use the same lighting and interior design
consultants , what do you do ?"
Girl " I play a girl called Plague Mary in the Black
Death section ".
Martin " That must explain the make-up "
Girl " I'm not wearing any ".
Martin " well never mind , now we come to the critical
question , you pay me £35 cash a shift , is that OK ".
Girl " Yes "
Martin " Your in then , come back on Wednesday at 1
"
The girl leaves. Martin walks over to the bar and Liam says
to him , " A bit rough that one, why did you take her on ? "
Martin " I fancied her just as much as I ever
did Marilyn Munroe "
{ Outside the Slum Bar again, camera pans to a battered,
rusty, white Transit leaving a trail of blue smoke behind it . As it gets
to the Bar it pulls onto the pavement outside scattering the bus queue.
On the side of the van beneath the dirt you can just make out the logo
" Nick Waterit ,Purveyor of wines and spirits to the scum of London
since 1995 ".
With a groan from the rusty hinge the door opens and out
steps Nick, he is tall, thin, and shifty looking with leathery skin probably
caused by too long on the sun bed and a bouffant styled head of grey hair.
He strides purposefully into the bar and through the gloom
can see a girl with a nasty rash on stage, it is Plague Mary dancing to
Kool and the Gang's Fresh " She's ....crackle crackle , ...so exciting
... crackle crackle.... to me ". He turns away with a grimace to
the blurred big screen on which he can just about make out coverage of
the later stages of the Idaho potato throwing cup.
He see's Liam behind the bar surrounded as usual by a forest
of waved £5 notes, he peels his feet off the floor and walks over
to him. }
Nick " Is the boss in ".
Liam " In the executive office upstairs , just go through
".
{Liam elbows his way through the frustrated crowd of would
be drinkers and goes via a door marked private to the peace of the 1st
floor.}
The office door is open and as he goes in he can see Martin
Davies working through a pile of holiday brochures on Thailand.
Nick " Going away Martin "
Martin " I go there 3 or 4 times a year, I find it
re charges my batteries to be with the young ".
Nick " Actually talking of Thailand we are running
a promotion on
counterfeit Grolsh this month. Made in Thailand 5p a bottle "
Martin " Is it much different from the real thing ".
Nick " Only in taste , texture, and colour ".
Martin " Great, put me down for 10 crates ".
Nick " Did you like those barrels of the 96' Skol I
sent you last week for the Carling pump ".
Martin " A few punters moaned but Ginger threw them
out. Can I have some more".
Nick " I'm afraid that particular bin is empty, famous
vintages like the 96 Skol soon go , mind you this week you are in real
luck. Some builders were knocking down an old warehouse and they found
a stash of barrels of 93 Norseman lager. They were onto me and I bought
the whole lot ".
Martin " What's it taste like "
Nick " The down and outs we use as tasters are all
in hospital with bad stomachs at the moment so we have not dared try it
but Norseman was pretty disgusting when it was fresh. "
Martin " Perfect , will we be able to sell it at a
premium as Stella or similar ?".
Nick " Stella is a bit too common , we have a draft
Mexican Corona pump you can use. Give 'em a slice of lime and charge them
£4 a pint. They will think the funny taste is because it's draft
and feel sophisticated ".
{ Business concluded Nick walks back down. The pub is mercifully
silent, Nick sees Liam holding a screw driver peering at a small portable
CD player which has the legend " Free with 5 litres of Dulux "
on it. The crackling CD has obviously given up the unequal struggle. He
is surrounded by a troupe of concerned looking scantily clad girls while
the few remaining customers stare at the empty bar. The big screen carries
the image of a very large man in a checked shirt triumphantly holding
up a 3 feet wide plastic potato.}
Nick " Problems Liam ?".
Liam " To be sure, it's the girls fault they will keep
using the thing ".
Nick " You have it on 12 hours a day, don't you think
it would be an idea to get something robust "
Liam " We would wear the speakers out then, anyway
we have already
collected 275 crisp packets towards the next one ".
{ Nick walks out jumps into his Transit and after
5 minutes of churning the starter motor it splutters into life and drives
off in a cloud of blue smoke leaving behind a spluttering bus queue }.
{ Outside the Slum Bar again a black cab turns up and from it 2 men get
out. You can tell straight away they regard themselves a creative types,
the older one in his 40s Justine has a pinstripe suit on but with a bow
tie and a pair of trainers. The younger one called Piers demonstrates
his non conformity by dressing all in black and having a pony tail and
gold earring.
The door of the Slum Bar is as usual showing signs of damage
and the 2 enter into the gloomy interior. In the corner they can just
about make out the shape of an elderly blonde woman dancing lethargically
to the usual distorted mass of sound. " I'm a cowboy on a crackle
horse I ride , I'm crackle, crackle dead or alive ". The younger
man whose nose has not been totally desensitised by chemicals smells the
heady mix of stale beer, cigarette smoke, and urine and pulls a distasteful
face. The older one smells nothing.
Looking around the room there are about a dozen customers
and 8 girls
spread around the place. There is a big screen TV which is so faint that
it is difficult to make out the Latvia v Belarus world cup qualifier.
Behind the bar there are 2 notices, one says " Special offer Grolsh
£2.00 a bottle after 11 " and the other " Please donate
all Walkers crisp packets to help us get a new CD player ". Justine
casts a professional eye over the decorations, " black , purple,
and orange a very unusual combination of colours " he muses.
There are 2 barmen on duty one a dyed blonde Frenchman and
the other a Jimmy Sommerville look alike. Jimmy minces over to them }
Jimmy " What would like to drink big boy "
Justine " We are from the " Breath of Fresh Air
" interior design
consultancy and we are here to meet Martin Davies ".
Jimmy " Martin and Liam are up in the executive office
, take the door at the end "
Justine and Piers walk through the bar and up the stairs
seeing the office door open they knock and enter at the same time. Martin
is on the phone. Also sat at the desk is Liam the bar manager who is filling
in a ledger with a puzzled look on his face.
Martin " Not sure about that Grolsh , even Ginger throws
up every time he drinks it, I am having to cut my margins to get rid of
it late in the evening and hope that they get out of the pub before they
spew up " .
Martin again " The trouble is the Hackney Gazette has
reported a local outbreak of malaria and if we keep selling the stuff
they are bound to find the source in the end . We can't rely on everybody
being too pissed to remember all the time ".
Martin puts the phone down.
Liam " Boss, I still don't understand why I have to
make up a list of
payments for the girls when they pay us ".
Martin " Just leave the high finance to me you thick
bog trotter ".
Martin to new arrivals " Hello gents, I am thinking
of having a
refurbishment of the Slum Bar to move it up market , that's why I asked
you along . Palatial as it currently is, I think we can do better . What's
your opinion ?".
Justine " Well for a start we could have some brighter
matching colours ,what made you choose the current colour scheme ".
Liam " It was all they had left at Dodgy Dave's Decorative
supplies closing down sale ". Martin kicks Liam under the table.
Martin " It was the late 90s and we thought bold colours
matched the ethos of the time ".
Piers " The ventilation system could do with some work
, it smells vile in there , why is that ".
Liam " The fan broke 2 years ago and it was never repaired
, the last
cleaner we had resigned in the middle of last summer when Martin refused
to pay her wage and demanded it as her booking fee and forced her fill
in when one of the strippers was taken ill ". Martin kicks Liam harder.
Martin " We try to create an ambience of pure sex.
I find our punters
prefer the current mix to the sort of antiseptic smell you get at other
places."
Justine " The lighting could be better you can hardly
see the stage at all".
Liam " Martin won't buy any .... urgh" . Martin
kicks earlier this time.
Martin " We find that our punters prefer not to see
the girls we use in too much detail ".
Justine " Well our recommendations would be new brighter
paints,
ventilation system that works, new toilets with door locks and paper ,
new sound system, new lighting for stage, re focus the big screen TV ,
new tables and chairs , new floor covering , and a new facade outside.
Then all you will have to do is sort out the girls, the beer , the bouncers,
and the bar staff and you will have the best strip pub in London. "
Martin " How much ? "
Justine " At a rough guess £200,000 should cover
it . "
Martin " I was thinking more on the lines of £1,500
."
Justine " You won't get a decent CD player for that
."
{ Scene ends . Cut to Martin proudly unveiling a new ghetto
blaster to the startled audience of the Slum Bar. }
Martin whispers to Liam " and with the rest of
the money we can fit a new toilet roll holder in the bogs, then put out
a sign up that says " totally refurbished " outside."
{ Cut again to the outside of the Slum Bar. At the entrance
is a large, unsmiling ginger haired man with an Elves hat on , this shows
it is Christmas. Camera pans upstairs to the office bearing the sign Martin
Davies Chief Executive Whirlwind World-Wide Entertainments. Martin is
on the phone.
Martin " Hello Nick , I have taken on a Franchisee
for the catering at the Bar and the contractor Fred Gullible is doing
Christmas lunches and has asked me to supply some decent white wine to
go with the Turkey. Have you any of that Austrian anti freeze stuff left
"
Pause
Martin " That would be great , can you label it as
Chablis and send me 5 cases "
{ Martin puts the phone down and picks up his copy of "
Thai Lady-Boys ". From the bar downstairs there is the faint sound
of Slade " So here it crackle crackle , everybodies crackle crackle
". With a sigh he falls asleep on his desk face into the magazine
}
{ He awakens with a start, the room has gone dark but he
can just make out the presence of a haggard old woman in a tatty stripper's
Father Christmas outfit. Denise from the QA would be ideal for this part
}
Martin " Have you come for an audition , it's £35
…
Woman interrupting " I am the ghost of strip-mas past
"
Martin " Well you still look OK to me, just give me
£35 and ….
Ghost interrupting " I am here to take you on a journey
to show Strip Mas as it used to be , hold my hand ".
Martin does as he is told and flys out of the Slum Bar window
and to outside a pub bearing the legend " Solly's ". From inside
he can hear the sound of Slade again but this time clearly " So here
it is ". They walk through the door into the packed and noisy bar.
There is no stage , the girls perform in the middle of the floor. The
girls are young and attractive, they have on elaborate costumes and the
strips last 10 minutes each. Martin " What no door charge, they are
missing a trick there ".
Nobody seems to be able to see them, although the place
is packed , bar service is efficient .
Martin " That looks like real Carling, what's that
chap behind the desk doing "
Ghost " He's the DJ ".
Martin " How old fashioned and this sound system is
far too clear. Why do the girls spend so long on each act, waste of time
if you ask me. Where is the blurred silent big screen TV , this won't
do. Everybody seems happy, it has not got that dentist's waiting room
atmosphere the Slum Bar has "
Ghost " Just watch this "
It's closing time and the Ghost and Martin move behind the
bar as the Landlord cashed up.
Landlord " Her you are girls £15 wages and £100
each from the jug , not bad for 2 hours work ".
Martin " You mean the pub pays the girls to work there,
what a bizarre concept "
Landlord to bar staff " Here is you Christmas bonus
and get onto the brewery for extra lager for tomorrow "
Martin " Paying the bar staff well and using genuine
beer, they have a lot to learn about modern strip pub management here
"
Ghost " I despair for you , now I must pass you on
"
A New ghost appears , she is a tall skinny 40 year old woman
covered in tattoos, smoking a cigarette , wearing a tatty silver bikini.
Ghost 2 " I am the ghost of Strip-mas present."
They are now at the front of the Slum Bar. 2 burly men are
on the door stopping a punter from going inside.
Gimger haired bouncer " That will be £10 you
fugger "
Prospective punter " But I'm a regular, why is it more
expensive at Christmas "
Ginger haired bouncer " Because Martin charges us £50
to work during Christmas week here you fuggin blasturd "
The punter moves on in the direction of the White House
, Martin and the Ghost move unseen inside. There are over a dozen girls
looking anxiously at a total of 7 punters. Fred Gullible the Chef looks
on hopefully from the door of his kitchen, 2 bronzed blonde men behind
the bar ignore the customers while discussing make up. A small portable
CD player blasts the distorted sounds of " Prince's Greatest Hits
", a silent blurred TV screen shows the World Synchronised Swimming
Championship. The untidy looking girls on stage pull their dresses to
reveal their pussies after 60 seconds on Prince and are off the stage
and hustling for dances in less than 2 minutes. Martin and the Ghost smell
the urine from the Gents.
Just at that point Liam McGinty the manager appears.
Liam " Gather round girls, as it is Christmas Martin
has decided to double your booking fee to £70 a session , pay up
or your out . You can see the place is packed and you are going to make
a fortune ".
The girls look around at the empty bar and one Sabrina Crachet
speaks up .
Sabrina " This is ridiculous, since Martin put the
door charge up and doubled the number of girls we hardly make £35
a shift let alone £70. I'm a single mother and my baby Tim is already
underweight, I won't be able to afford vitamin supplements at this rate
".
Liam " Martin feels it is a good thing to raise the
charge as it sorts out the wheat from the chaff ".
Liam then moves over to the bar.
Liam " Martin has decided that as you can keep the
tips and everything you can fiddle from the customers change as they will
all be pissed so you don't need paying this week ."
Martin speaks to the Ghost " A wise decision, I get
£2,000 a day from the girls, £50 from the doorman, sell overpriced
crap at the bar, no bar wages, and there are so few punters in that they
don't even wear out the floor. I'm a genius and making a fortune "
Ghost 2 " I give up, I will pass you on to the Ghost
of Strip-mas still to come ".
{ A new ghost appears in a business suit with a clip board
.}
Ghost 3 " Come with me Martin "
{ Martin and Ghost 3 enter the Slum Bar again, there is no music just
the hubbub of raised voices. Martin is in the bar surrounded by a load
of people waving pieces of paper .}
Man in suit " Martin Davies, you are charged with the
sale of unfit drink, with this writ you must close the bar ".
Woman in overalls " Martin Davies this place is being
closed under public hygene acts 12b 1989 ".
Woman in suit " Martin Davies you are charged with
breaching the EU working conditions directive 15, 18, …..."
Man with pony tail " Martin Davies you are charged
with ignoring performing writes legislation "
Martin to Ghost 3 " It's alright I will have moved
to Thailand long before any of this happens ".
{ Cut to Martin Davies's office in the slum bar, a group
of people sit around a makeshift table { actually an old pallet covered
in cardboard propped up by 2 beer kegs} with a large white flip board
at the top end. Each has a handwritten name board in front of them. Camera
pans to each in turn }
Martin Davies Chief Executive
Liam Mcginty Bar Manager
Tarquin Girly Barman
Julian Inman Barman
Jerzy Blttzzhillwx Head bouncer
Fred Guilible Catering franchise
Nick Waterit Beer supplier.
At the top of the table stands a new character, his card
says
Piers Conman Customer Service Facilitator.}
Martin " We have had a triumphant 2001 but we need
to do better in 2002, I have asked Piers here to chair this meeting so
that we can think about the improvements we can make. Over to you Piers
"
Piers " Thank you Martin. Before we start I notice
there is no
representative of the girls present, why not ?"
Martin " Oh they would only moan about the fees, sound
system, door
charges, changing facilities and all sorts of things that don't matter.
Just ignore them and tell them what is happening at the last minute. If
they don't like it they can lump it "
Piers " Very enlightened HR policy Martin, reminds
me of the Todt organisation "
Martin misses the sarcasm and takes this as a compliment.
Piers " In the new millennium it is vital to understand
your customers needs and become customer focused. I think we should start
with looking at your job titles and seeing if they reflect your true role
. Lets start with you Jerzy , what do you see as your main role in the
organisation "
Jerzy " To puuut ze fear of gaud into anybody who complains
or causes
trouble "
Piers " I think what you really mean is to " assist
customers with their problems while at the same time ensuring health and
safety standards are maintained". I think you should be renamed "
Customer Interface Greetings Manager", what do you think "
Jerzy " Just so long as I can still throw the fuggin
blasturds out when I feel like it"
Piers goes through each of the assembled people and renames
their jobs.
Camera pans to see Tarquin renamed " Customer Interface
Drinks Executive ",Fred " Maitre D Slum Bar ", Liam "
Customer Focus Manager ", and Nick " Specialist Wine merchant
".
Piers " Right now we have the correct titles, I think
we need a mission statement to start out with . All good companies understand
their mission, often they have it pinned up in the office, you could put
yours up behind the bar. How about " To satisfy out stakeholders
{staff , customers, shareholders} and be the best strip bar in London".
{Camera pans through a long discussion, people getting up
to the flip chart and writing and crossing out things .}
Caption 3 hours later.
Piers sounding dubious " Right the statement we can
all agree on is " To provide minimum services at maximum prices ".
I am not sure I would put that particular one behind the bar"
Piers " Now given that statement can you all suggest
the thing you would most like for 2002 that would help you in your role
, first Jerzy as Customer Interface Greetings Manager what would assist
you as first point of contact in making the customers feel instantly at
home in the Slum Bar ".
Jerzy "A new baseball bat and a flack jacket ".
Piers "Well lets write that one down and we will discuss
whether that is really what you want later. Fred you next ".
Fred "Well I have been here 5 weeks now and only sold
3 cheese toasties and a bowl of tomato soup so far. I have concluded that
Shoreditch is not yet ready for the concept of a cafe' with a door charge
and mad bouncers. How about making a meal compulsory until they get used
to the idea"
{ Piers reluctantly adds " compulsory food " to
" baseball bat " and moves on around the table.}
Caption 2 hours later.
{ Piers looks aghast at the board. In addition to the first
2 the list consists of,
" Make the girls bring their own CD player "
" Charge for the use of the toilet "
" Take on more girls and charge them more "
" Repaint the bar in pastel colours " This from Tarquin and
Julian
" To increase the percentage of bogus drinks sold from 75% to 100%"
" To start charging in Euros so that people won't understand their
change"}
Piers " Well I think you all need to be sent on a customer
awareness course and then asked these questions again "
Martin " Nonsense, I could not be prouder of my staff
. Free Zambian
Bailey's all round "
{ Cut to the outside of the Slum Bar to see it's still as
tatty as ever but the neon sign now says " Slum Bar 2002 West End
sophistication at East End prices ". There are 2 pony tailed bouncers
sat on stools outside just behind 2 chrome posts from which a red velvet
rope has been strung . The rope holds nobody back though it does somewhat
get in the way of the bus queue outside.
The door which still has cracked glass now says " all
major credit cards accepted " , " cash available at the bar
", and " corporate memberships available , enquire within ".
Inside it's as dark, dingy, and smelly as ever but Liam
McGinty and Jerzey the ginger headed bouncer are now clad in dinner jackets
and the bar has a sign over it saying " cocktails a speciality "
and all the draft beer pumps have gone.
There are 6 customers and 8 girls plus 2 effete' looking
barmen each clad in black trousers and a frilly shirt. A bespectacled,
suited customers approaches the bar }
Customer " Can I some get cash here from off my credit
card "
Liam " Certainly sir though what you really want are
" Slumming dollars " the girls have to give you extras if you
use these and you can buy food and drink with them as well "
Customer " Ok, then give me £40's worth "
Liam " Here sign this "
Customer " But it says here £50 "
Liam " Yes Sir, we have a minimum £10 commission
charge to cover for administration "
{ Customer looks dubious but signs anyway . He orders a
bottle of Budwiser and Liam removes 10 "Slumming dollars " from
the pile. He takes a swig out of the bottle , grimaces and looks at the
bottle with great suspicion . He is just about to complain to Liam when
a blonde girl comes over to him }
Blonde " Fancy a table dance "
Customer " Well , yes I do and I have plenty of Slumming
dollars for extras "{ he triumphantly flashes his wad expecting a
positive reaction }
Blonde " Those fucking things, Martin only gives us
half the value when we cash them in. A dance is either £10 in real
money or 20 of those bits of crap. "
Customer doing some mental arithmetic " But 20 of those
has just cost me £25 "
Blonde " More fool you "
{ Cut to upstairs and Martin Davies is on the phone in his
executive office }
Martin " Yes we have taken out all the beer pumps now
Nick , we are aiming at a more sophisticated , up market clientele and
they like bottled beer and cocktails. Besides we can charge them more
and none of the regulars trusted our draft beer any more anyway "
{ Pause while he listens to the reply}
Martin " Yes I want as many bottles of Mongolian Bud
as you can supply , it's selling like hotcakes. Can you supply some counterfeit
gin in Gordon's bottles as well, we are using real gin at the moment and
margins are down to 95% "
{ Conversation over Martin puts down the phone but it rings
again before he has time to look at his copy of " Men in Uniforms
".}
{ It's Liam ringing from downstairs , cut to Liam }
Liam " We have an enquiry about corporate membership
"
Martin " I'll be down at once "
{ Liam leaves the office and enters the bar. It's as gloomy
as ever, to his left he walks past the table dance area where he passes
an altercation between a blonde dancer and a customer }
Blonde " Fuck off specie and keep your hands to yourself
" { Blonde strikes customer a hefty blow sending his glasses flying
across the room }
{ Martin ignores this scene which has become quite common
since the dollars were introduced and carries on into the bar . Liam points
out the potential corporate account }
Martin " Hello, I'm Martin Davies CEO of Whirlwind
World-wide who own the Slum Bar , I believe you are interested in doing
corporate entertaining here "
Corporate man " Well , I saw your brochure and we are
always on the look out for new places but this doesn't look a bit like
the place in the brochure . Where is this lovely blonde girl you describe
as the corporate hostess for example " { He looks dubiously at the
current bar, customers, and girls }
Martin " Well the photos are actually of Stringfellow's
but we are in the process of upgrading and did not want to have to reprint
. Our corporate hostess Plague Mary is not in at the moment. Anyway let
me show you around our extensive facilities , as you can see we have a
well stocked bar , Liam give the man a bottle of Bud on the house. The
table dance area is over there, our girls are classy and friendly and
the security is efficient but unobtrusive "
{ Just at that point the customer having recovered his glasses
storms to the bar to confront Liam }
Customer " This is an outrage, these " slumming
dollars " are worthless , the beer is disgusting, and that stripper
just hit me. I want my money back "
{ Liam signals to Ginger }
Ginger " Fuggin blaturd " { Ginger punches man
to the floor, and drags him out by one leg , the 2 pony tailed ones outside
kick him as he goes past and is dumped in the gutter }.
Martin continues smoothly " Let me show you our VIP
room { opens a door marked kitchen just behind the stage } , here you
can entertain your clients in complete privacy "
Corporate man " But it's a kitchen that looks like
it's not been cleaned for weeks "
Martin " Is the " dirty kitchen " not one
of your favourite fantasy's then ? We have several others that might appeal
more . There is " the scruffy storeroom " which is very popular
, then there is " wet and wild " which some people here call
the gents . Finally there is our fantasy " Jack Duckworth's beer
cellar " where Liam pretends to be a work shy layabout. "
Corporate man " This is pathetic, I can't bring a customer
here " Takes a swig of Bud , gasps in horror and disappears off to
the " wet and wild " at high speed.
Liam " How's it going boss "
Martin " How can he fail to be impressed by all this,
I think he is ringing his colleagues to bring them down "
{ Camera pans to the battered façade of the Slumbar
and through the door inside. It's up to the door marked Martin Davies
CEO Whirlwind entertainments and into the executive office. Inside Martin
is holding a copy of " The Stage " magazine and reading aloud
from it to Liam McGinty "
Martin " For Sale. London's top table dancing venue.
High quality facilities, fantastic reputation, perfect location, and a
major national branding opportunity. Run under top flight professional
management who may remain. If you are looking for the base of a UK chain
that's also a publicity generating celebrity hang out then look no further.
Price £2 million plus SAV. Box number 567 ."
Liam " Sounds a great place boss, wonder which one
it is "
Martin " It's here you moron and we have got executives
from the Atlanta Georgia chain " Savoir Faire " visiting us
this evening so you'd better give the bogs their annual once over and
tell Jerzy to wear that dinner jacket again."
Martin again " Which girls are on tonight "
Liam " Well there's ancient Angie, decrepit Debbie,
spotty Sophie , tattooed Tracy, mad Margie , Fluer, Chantelle, and Susie".
Martin " Picked them all myself, perfect. Mind you
better tell Jerzy not to let Len the Looney, Deranged Dan, or Pete the
pervert in tonight, they might give the Yanks the wrong idea about our
customer base ".
Liam " But they are our best customers as no other
place will let them in and they are the only ones that like our beer ".
Martin " Leave the long term strategic thinking to
me ".
{ Outside the Slum Bar that evening a black cab pulls up
and 3 large men each with goatee beards, black hair in a pony tail, and
dark glasses on get out. They look at the outside of the Slum Bar with
undisguised alarm }
First one speaks in a Southern US accent " Gee Hank
, are you sure we have the right address, this place looks a complete
trash heap "
{ Just at that point Martin emerges from the entrance dressed
in a dinner jacket flanked by Liam and Jerzy similarly clad}
Martin " Hello, one of you must be Hank J Filofax the
3rd President of Savoire Faire."
Hank " That's me , I am maa-hty proud to make your
acquaintance sir, and this is Chuck Richinbacher VP Finance and Billy
Jo Redneck our VP Operations.
Martin " Let me introduce my executive management team
, Liam is the Managing Director and Jerzy the Creative Director . Lets
go in "
Hank " Before we go in I want to emphasise that I don't
want our interest to become general knowledge "
Martin " Only a few trusted employees know "
{ The party move indoors, as they walk into the bar the
music changes to " I wish I was in Dixie " and a middle aged
woman in a stars and stripes bikini on stage salutes. All the other girls
wave small stars and stripes flags. American's look dumfounded}
Hank " I thought nobody knew "
Martin " They must have heard your accent and wanted
to make you feel at home. We make a big thing of flexible customer service
here "
Hank " Is this the foyer ?"
Martin " No this is the main show stage "
Hank " It's much smaller than I expected , isn't there
a basement or something "
Martin " Yes but we keep our exclusive wine stocks
down there.
Billy Jo " The girls are an odd mix, when I first came
in I thought you must be having an over 40s night but those 3 in the corner
are quite young and attractive . What's your concept here as Creative
Director Jerzy ?"
Jerzy " Ve operate on ze velly strict prinple that
if ze don't pay us £35 up front, ze don't work "
Billy Jo " Do you book feature dancers ?"
Jerzy " Ve tried zat vonce but ze girl actually vonted
paying by us and some von to play ze music, zo I thvew her oout "
Martin " Let me get you a drink, here is Tarquin our
ex Savoy Hotel cocktail barman. Tarquin what would you recommend for our
American friends tonight "
Customer at Bar " I'd recommend they go to the White
Horse if they want to actually drink anything !"
Martin " Jerzy, get him "
{ Jerzy grabs the sarcastic customer by the throat and throws
him headlong through the doors }
Hank " He is very physical for a creative type isn't
he "
Jerzy " Normally I vould go outside and kick ze shit
out of him but I don't vont any blood on this hired DJ."
Hank " Lets pass on the drinks, how about a quick guided
tour "
Martin " That's what I like about you Yanks, drinks
are for wimps "
{ Cut to scenes of Martin taking incredulous looking Americans
around the famous bar }
Martin " Any questions "
Hank " Where do the girls change, we have at least
5 shower cubicles and 2 sunbeds in all our clubs. If you give good working
conditions you get better girls "
Martin " I totally agree. We are continually upgrading
our facilities "{ as he walks them into the ladies loo } " Why
only last year we installed a hand dryer and this year I intend to open
a 2nd wash basin "
Hank " To be honest this is the worst place I have
seen since the Saigon cockroach club when I was in Nam. I can't believe
any celebrities actually use the place "
Martin " You are wrong there, let me show you "
{ he takes them back to the bar and points to a man in a
floppy hat sniffing the shoes of one of the girls }
Martin " Look there is Pavarotti the famous Opera singer.
The grey haired man at the end of the bar is John Major the ex Prime Minister
and that bald guy with the moustache is Willie Thorne the snooker player
"
{The Americans are clearly not impressed }
Billy Jo " Well that last stripper certainly looked
old enough to be Mrs Thatcher but I know for a fact that she is on a lecture
tour of the states at the moment "
Hank " 2 million sterling for this shit heap ! I'd
rather buy London Bridge "
{ Americans leave muttering darkly about the Trade Descriptions
act . Martin talks to Liam over a couple of Mongolian Budweiser's }
Liam " Well they did not seem very impressed "
Martin " I think the real problem was that they think
the Slum Bar organisation lacks management strength in depth. They worry
about what would happen if they take a human dynamo like me out of the
picture. For the next set of buyers we will have to give Jerzy a more
prominent role, maybe get him to give them a presentation on his creative
philosophy and call Tarquin Hospitality Director"
Liam spits his Bud out in alarm.
Martin " Probably the wise thing to do Liam, on reflection
lets go to the White Horse for that drink "
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